


Dancing on My Own

by Igglepuff



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, M/M, Not Really A Happy Ending, Semi unrequited love, chapter 2 has a happy ending, okay I lied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-09
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-07 11:41:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18409910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Igglepuff/pseuds/Igglepuff
Summary: The Prince was in love... With a serving girl.With Gwen.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one shot for now, but I may continue in the future.

_**“** I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, oh oh oh_  

  _I'm right over here, why can't you see me, oh oh oh”_

  _\- Calum Scott_

 

 Rumors spread like wildfire. Of course they would, as much as the royalty hated to believe it, servants saw everything. This lead to his current state. Alone in one of the higher up empty rooms, staring down at the cold courtyard below. His blue eyes dark with pain as his watched the Prince embrace the slight serving girl he had grown to call friend.

The Prince was in love.

With a serving girl.

With Gwen.

Merlin’s heart felt heavy in his chest as their lips came together, not knowing the heart shattering in the castle above them. He stood stone faced and quiet. Of course the rumors would be true. Behind him the candle on the table flared briefly before blipping out smokeless.

He was sorry he had to check.

He kept quiet about what he’d witnessed, what he felt. As the months progressed and Merlin watched helplessly as his destiny melted away to another.

It was late one autumn night when Arthur stumbled into his room as his manservent finished stoking the fire. The flames dancing over raven hair and glinting in sad blue depths. The Prince didn’t see.

“Merlin!” The bright smile was as painful as it was blinding. The boys stomach churned with ice and he knew what was coming. “I’ve asked her.”

The bowl of fruit clashed to the floor from where it sat on the table untouched, and Merlin’s eyes fell to the ground without hesitation. If Arthur recognizes it as magic he didn’t mention it. “That’s wonderful... sire.” If his voice broke on the last word, no one mentioned it.

If the sound made something in Arthur break along with it— he didn’t mention it.

As the vows were recited and tears fell from those in attendance to the King’s wedding Merlin wished the floor would open up and swallow him whole. His best friend, his supposed destiny, gently kissing his bride filled his vision and started to swim with tears threatening to fall.

 As the first fell, Arthur’s blue eyes sought out Merlin’s own, and to anyone in the room he looked happy for his master. Yet as they held their gaze for a beat too long Merlin’s face crumpled and he had to turn away. Quietly he slipped out of the hall unnoticed by all but those blue blue eyes.

Arthur found him standing by the big bay window outside his chambers. Expression schooled into a mask of stoicism. The Kings fingers seemed to reach out wanting to touch, but he didn’t.

“Shall I have George prepare the royal chambers, sire?” The question pulled at something in Arthur that Merlin couldn’t name. “It will be his duty now after all.”

“What are you talking about?”

The retort was sharp and cut like steel as blue eyes flashed in confusion. Merlin tipped his head down subserviently, swallowing the lump forming in his throat. “ He is the servant to the king. Now that you are married—“ his throat tightened and he had to swallow the pain to continue “I figured you would do what’s best for the Queen.”

“What’s best for— Merlin! What are you saying?”

“I— apologize, your majesty. I have not been the best servant to you or—“ he couldn’t. His carful expression cracked as he backed away from his friend. Bowing low at the waist he murmured a soft excuse and was gone before his King could stop him.

“Merlin!”

* * *

 Fingers splayed across the door Merlin rest his forehead against the cool wood. He knew what he had to do. He’d practiced the words so carefully , yet as he opened the door slowly all over thoughts died away. Arthur was holding her in a tight embrace by the fire. Lips locked ever so gently.

He heart broke all over again as he stepped forward and bowed as they took notice.

“Will you be needing my service this evening, sire?” Arthur shot him a tentative smile and he sent back one that barely reached his eyes.

“I believe we’re fine for the evening, Merlin. Go, take the night off, enjoy the celebrations.”

“Of course, your majesty.” Gwen’s eyes were searching his and he turned his head to hide the shine. He vaguely heard her soft voice asking if he was alright. It broke him more. I just came to say goodbye. He couldn’t say it. Not now, not ever. “I’ve arranged for food to be brought up later this evening. I know how your pratish appetite is.”

Arthur threw a pillow at him he grabbed off the bed, yet, like the jab from Merlin there was no heat behind it. “I thank you, Merlin.” It was the last thing he heard before slipping out of the room and heading to the front doors.

He was gone before the dawn broke.

* * *

 “Are you sure you’ll be alright?” Leon’s eyes were bright and worried. Merlin knew he wanted so badly to make him stay. He couldn’t though. Not now. Merlin tied his bag to his horses saddle and shrugged.

 

“I can’t stay here right now, Leon.” His voice trailed off as he put a foot in the stirrup. “Arthur will be the greatest King. I just— need time to make the world stop spinning.”

 They made eye contact and Leon knew there was no point in arguing. “The King will not find out from me.” He reached up and grabbed Merlin’s hand to make him look back up as he sighed, “But Merlin, Arthur is your friend. If you really love him as much as I know you to, you’d reconsider.”

Tears were falling freely now as Merlin pulled his hand away and spurred his horse to turn around. “If he loved me as I thought he did- I wouldn’t have to.”

* * *

 

 

“We’ve searched the whole of Camelot, Sire, Merlin just—“ Leon trailed off looking down at his feet as he felt Arthur’s gaze burning him. “He’s vanished, Sire.”

One day he will return to the home he knew. One day Camelot will welcome him back with open arms and her King will see. One day he’ll be standing there as he has all along, and those blue eyes will finally see.  

Until then...

_“ I keep dancing on my own”_


	2. Everything I Didn’t Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The King was in love.  
> With a sorcerer.  
> With—

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I went and did it again. Ope

_ “I wish I could've made you stay_

_ And I'm the only one to blame _

_ I know that it's a little too late _

_ This is everything I didn't say” _

_ -5 Seconds Of Summer _

__   


* * *

 

Another goblet smashed against the wall as the searches came back empty handed yet again. The tear tracks he knew were there weren’t mentioned and for once in these dreadful weeks he was thankful. 

Leon was the last in the room and his presence was felt like a weight on his heart. “Why?” He croaked finally, voice breaking like the wine vase he’d shoved off the table at the beginning of the meeting. Never moved on it’s own, never since that day. Leon’s eyes were closed and his shoulders slumped in resignation. 

Why didn’t he tell me? Why did he leave? Why couldn’t they find him?

Why did he not trust him?

“I don’t know, Sire.” He replied truthfully. There was a pain that was felt like the deepest of wounds. A sob ripped from the King’s throat as he crumpled to the floor; Leon was there to pull him to his chest for comfort. “I wish I knew, Arthur, Gods I wish I knew.”

“I did this.” Arthur sobbed as his fists clenched. “I let him leave. I didn’t stop him.” I couldn’t protect him. I couldn’t save him.

* * *

 The months that followed Merlin’s disappearance were uneasy at best. The nobles grew restless as their King sent out search after pointless search as he made claims of a change in Camelot. The Queen silenced their fears with one soft command. 

Arthur sat in their room, eyes trained on the fireplace as if that would bring him back. Bring back the flash of beautiful gold when he thought Arthur wasn’t looking. Gwen laid her hand on his shoulder and as his came up to rest on hers she sighed, “They are becoming restless, Arthur.” The nobles, the court, went unsaid. 

“I know.”

“But you will not stop them.” They both knew she was talking about the search parties. And as such, they both knew the answer, no matter how it hurt.

“I can’t.”

His hand slipped back down to his lap, drawing her gaze to the square of red fabric laid across it. He’d found the abandoned scarf in Merlin’s room the day of his disappearance. It hadn’t left his person since. He clutched at it like a lifeline. He was pulling further into himself and Guinevere knew she could not follow. 

Nine months in she had made peace already that she wasn’t the one who truly held the King’s heart.

“The law amendments have been drawn up. The court seeks your council.”

“Thank you, Gwen.”

* * *

 The years following had the court dancing around their King as if on eggshells. There was an air of painful loss that shrouded the castle, one that no one could break. Gwen’s eyes followed Arthur’s form as he paced the length of the council room. Their amendments had been finally accepted by the court elders. The final revision was being put before the people before the ban was revoked and lifted. Yet still—

His agitation was palpable, his despair worn like a mantle. She knew, though she wished she didn’t. It all meant nothing. Without the one who made Arthur really see, it all meant nothing. “Arthur you need to stop.” His footsteps stopped, but his eyes were still trained on the ground. Around the circular table his knights sat in stoney silence, the celebratory atmosphere shattering slowly at the King’s hurt. Gwen slowly stood and moved toward her husband as if he were a spooked animal.

“There must be something we aren’t doingright. Somewhere we haven’t searched. He can’t be—“ His voice was choked and his hand trembled as her hands stilled on his shoulders. “Guinevere, please, I can’t accept he is gone.” The happy news from the nobles was still not enough to shake the feeling of dread from the news the knights gave him. 

She swallowed and watched Leon and Gwaine stand and usher the other knights toward the door. She gave them a small thankful nod. “I know this, love.” Her voice was soft yet as the words hit his ears he pulled away. It stung. All of it. 

None of them understood. None of them could possibly know and understand. He was the King. Yet still he was so lost. How could she possibly understand.

The King was in love. 

With a sorcerer. 

With—

“Merlin has always held a place I could not.” Her voice was soft. Familiar. Yet her words were jumbled and lost. Gwen’s smile was gentle and sad as her hand smoothed down his tunic. “It was the magic in his eyes that sparked your interest. It was the love in his heart that held it.” She whispered softly, “You have become a great King, Arthur. But I wonder at what cost to yourself that the kingdom thrives.”

 

“I will always love you, Guinevere.” 

“I know, Arthur, and I you.”

“But Merlin—“

“I know, love. I know.”

And she did.

* * *

 Their marriage was annulled the following day. Queen Guinevere still reigned by his side, the love for their kingdom greater than theirs had ever been.

* * *

 After five years of searching, the patrols went out less and less. His hope was diminished till one day it vanished. He stopped sending them all together. He withdrew into himself. His heart ached. His body called to an energy that wasn’t there anymore.

His hand fisted the worn red fabric tied at his wrist. Always a reminder of a life he let slip away. “Do you think we’ll ever find him again?” Arthur was resigned. He should be happy... but all he was, was tired. Gwaine took a long swig from his goblet, choosing his words carefully before setting it back down.

“He’ll be found when he’s ready to be, sire.”He said finally. His fingers played with the sharp edge of newly signed parchment in front of himself. “Does this have something to do with him?” The question hadn’t meantto be asked but now that it was out he couldn’t take it back. Even as pain flashed across Arthur’s face. “Leon has told me that it has been many years since Camelot had a Court Sorcerer. Even before the ban.”

“I am not and have never been my father, Gwaine.” He was choosing his words carefully. His Knights of the round table were his closest friends and allies and yet, he never trusted them enough to tell them what brought about the lift of the ban on magic. It wasn’t his secret to tell. “I’ve know that the ban was a pathetic attempt to fix a broken heart from a broken, bitter man. I just— needed that push to do something about it.” He cleared his throat before continuing, “That is why my court needs a sorcerer. To uphold the new laws for sorcery, we must have one who is of magic as well.” 

As his eyes met Gwaine‘s he knew he didn’t have to give up that secret Merlin held. Gwaine already knew. “I could not love one born of magic and yet doom the rest to death at the same time.” The other nodded as if pleased with the King’s answer. 

“Then we must have faith that Merlin will return to pick up the task aimed for him.”

* * *

That faith was what carried Arthur for the next half of the year. Through the harsh winter months into spring. He watched quietly as the flowers and birds and magic returned to Camelot. He wanted to weep with joy at the pure happiness of his people, but still the cold mantle of pain held him. There was still no word on Merlin’s whereabouts, even after the news of Camelot’s changes had surely spread.

Sad eyes watching the bustling courtyard below Arthur rubbed the soft red fabric thoughtfully. This is what Merlin had always hinted at. The great kingdom Arthur was bound to lead. Yet, without his stubborn friend this would have never happened. Without the clumsy, selfless warlock sent to protect him he would have never made it.

“Copper for your thoughts?”

Guinevere’s soft voice pulled him back to reality. He looked over and gave a small, sad smile. “It took losing him for me to really see what it all meant.” She nodded as if she already worked this out, and if he was honest with himself, she probably had years ago. It was that intuition that truly made her a great Queen. Arthur gave her hand a gentle squeeze before looking back out to the courtyard below. “I never really thanked you, Gwen, not really.”

“No.” She laughed in agreement, her eyes crinkled at the side. “You’ve not really been yourself though, have you? So no hard feelings.” She seemed to sober up quickly, “It has been hard on us all, Arthur. I hope you understand that, though we don’t hurt the same, we still do hurt.”

There was a long silence as the both watched their kingdom with unseeing eyes. He knew he could say it now. Knew there was nothing left for him to hide. “I think I’ve always lo—“

“Arthur!” He jumped at her sudden exclamation and looked at her quickly but she wasn’t looking at him. Instead her wide eyes were trained on something outside. His gaze followed her pointing finger to the wide gate in the distance where the people of Camelot were crowding the street. 

He was confused at what he was seeing at first. A dark horse with a lean rider. Not uncommon in the Spring, people were always coming for work. Then his gaze locked onto it. The blue fabric hanging lose around the newcomers neck. The ridiculous large ears sticking out of unruly dark hair. His heart stopped.

As if sensing the Earth shattering revaluation above the man slowly turned his gaze upward and Arthur swore the blue eyes locked on his as a jolt of familiar magic sparked between them. 

“Merlin.” 

His voice shook and beside him Gwen let out an ecstatic bout of bubbly laughter. It was as if the world was spinning around him too quickly. He felt dizzy and as his mouth went dry a smile tentative smile bloomed across his sorcerer’s face. 

“Go.” Gwen whispered softly beside him as she gave his shoulder a gentle squeeze. “Welcome Magic home.” Her words held more meaning then she could have possibly ever known. Yet as he searched her gaze he knew that was a lie. She knew the full extent of her comment. She knew, and he loved her that much more. 

His scrambling feet couldn’t get him to the door fast enough and after she watched him tear out of the room she turned her fond smile to the courtyard below. Merlin met her gaze and she gave a slight bow as he nodded back. His eyes were misty and the uncertain smile broke with a watery laugh Gwen couldn’t hear but still felt.

 It took all of half a second for Merlin to realize it would probably be a bad idea to still be perched on his horse once the King arrived. As his feet hit the ground, hands steadying himself against the dark flank, a solid weight crashed into him and he couldn’t help the loud exhale of laughter that sounded suspiciously like a sob that was forced out of him. 

Strong arms griped him around the chest a hair too tight but his hands landed on top of the others he couldn’t find it in himself to care. Merlin had missed this. This easy contact, this easy friendship. He wiped at his misting eyes roughly before Arthur could see. “Gods where have you been...” was breathed into his neck and he could feel hot tears hitting the small sliver of skin just under his neckerchief. 

As he went to speak Arthur cut him off with a quick jerk of his head. “No. I don’t—I’m just glad you’re home...” his grip shifted, loosened and dropped enough that Merlin got the hint to turn around with minimal prompting from Arthur. His hands ended up resting on the small of Merlin’s back, the warlocks own coming up to rest on his shoulders. 

There was a frown where his usual smile resided and Arthur blanched. He was the reason Merlin left to begin with. He was the one who put the unhappy look there. He didn’t deserve the affection so easily and readily given. “I searched for you. All these years... I couldn’t stop searching.” They held each others stares, Merlin desperately searching for something to deny the King’s claim. After so long, why would he have bothered after all. He never knew just how much his leaving had hurt. “I loved you... and I couldn’t lose you.”

Their lips met before either could really process who moved first. Merlin’s hands came up to frame Arthur’s face as tears streaked his cheeks. A watery smile tugged at his lips as he could feel Arthur’s mirrored grin through the kiss. His feet left the ground as he was held up by his waist and Arthur spun in a happy circle, laughter bursting from him and breaking them apart.

He couldn’t help it. This was his other half; and he was home. 

“So I heard you’re in need of a court sorcerer...” Merlin’s cheeky grin had Arthur dropping his feet to the ground and rolling his eyes. However one of his own graced his lips and his eyes shown with a mischievous glint as him picked Merlin’s hand up and brought it to his lips. 

“I’m also in need of a Consort if you’re petitioning for the job.”

* * *

 Gwen smiles softly down at her two greatest friends. It had hurt at first, she couldn’t lie about that, but watching the two finally reuniting... she couldn’t possibly resent it. They were made for each other. 

Merlin’s face had gone slack with something Arthur had said, his eyes wide and hands visibly shaking even from Guinevere’s high position. She watched as a wide toothy smile split Merlin’s face and he smacked Arthur on the back of the head. Gwen pressed a hand to her mouth as she let out a quiet laugh. Merlin’s reply was lost from the height but he’d tangled his fingers in Arthur’s hair and smashed their lips together again.

And Gwen knew.

The love in Arthur’s eyes was reminiscent of the look when he’d asked her all those years ago.

And she was pleased and happy. 


End file.
